You and Your "Different" Child? You're Not Alone

It is no secret that I count among one of my greatest motherhood blessings the extraordinary gift of my friendship with Sally Clarkson. She has mentored me through her books and her tapes (way back when) and then, through her personal words spoken into some of the darkest places of my doubt and frustration. So many good words have come forth from this beautiful lady.

This one is different.

This time, Sally has partnered with her son Nathan to shed light on a dark place that so many of us keep tucked into the shadows of our public lives. When you are the mother of a child who struggles-- to learn, to share, to be still, to speak up, to fit in--you quickly learn that the world of Christian women (and men) look upon such kids with disapproval. And they look upon their parents with smug superiority. Before you have a child like this, you know exactly how to raise a child like this. When you live with a different child, it feels like all you know is how much you don't know.

Sally knows. She's walked the walk of frustration and despair and anguish. She understands how powerfully we love the children whose gifts we see so clearly and whose pain we absorb into our very beings. She understands how lonely the experience of parenting a "different" child can be. I'm someone who has always tried to keep life "under control." But this experience of being the parent of a child who lives outside the box? There is very little that is under my control. I cannot control his emotions or his feelings or the way he responds to struggle. And I really cannot control all the things that happen outside our house to make life even harder for him.

Those lessons in recognizing what was under my control and what was not? They were hard, hard won. Actually, I'm quite certain I'm not finished with those lessons yet. 

In the process of learning of them, though, I've actually also recognized how little of life I control in general. That's a valuable lesson. And like most of the valuable life lessons I've learned lately, that's one learned first in the book of life volume labeled "Parenting Kids Outside the Box."  Kids like these are more. So they teach us more. All of of life stands out bolder with them. Everything that is true is more true with them. 

"Nathan's differences stretched me and challenged my own limits of wanting to fit in, to not bring more criticism and judgment, and my deep desire to have life be controllable. By loving him through the peaks and valleys of his own life journey in our home, I learned even more the meaning of the preciousness and value of each human being, who is crafted mysteriously by the hand of God. I learned to appreciate and celebrate difference (not just "cope with it') because all human beings are a work of the artist and have infinite value to the One who made them."

Sally reaches into the hearts of women who feel alone in meeting the needs of the children they love so much. And Nathan? Oh, Nathan, what treasure you give to mothers with this book.

Nathan holds in his words the gift of hope. Nathan tells us that we will love our way through this hand-in-hand, and on the other side of childhood, we will be stronger and better for the things we faced together.

Listen up, mama who is so tired and so worried:

From the first day a mother suspects that this child might not march to the same beat as the rest of the family, the first time he cries unconsolably in a situation where another baby could be comforted, the day the school calls and says they have no idea what to do with him, to the day he lifts his arms in victory because he's met a personal milestone, this journey beside a child who is different is a long one. It is not for the faint of heart. And we aren't all super good and cheerful and virtuous every step of the way. Some of us stumble and fall and wonder why God thought it was a good idea to put us in charge of the care of anyone at any time. Some of us feel tremendous guilt for things for which we wish we could have a "do over" ticket. Some of us are just weary in the waiting for clouds to part and the sun to shine again.

Sally understands all of that. She walks alongside us on the long journey and she offers tangible help for which many of us are downright starved.

Mental illnesses are not casserole diseases. Well-meaning folks don’t show up on your porch with a covered dish and a shoulder to cry on when your child is struggling with mental illness or a learning disability that makes everyday life a bitter struggle. But you wish they would. With this book, Sally Clarkson offers weary moms the nourishing feast for which they are starved. Nathan grants us unprecedented, invaluable insight into the mind of the child as he grows. With warm understanding, they give us tangible tools and healthy, hearty food for the journey.

If you love an oustide-the-box child, you need this book, and you have already waited too long to have it. 

I read the advance copy of Different in the autumn and its words filled me with hope. When the box from the publisher with the actual, real book arrived, I set it aside. (OK, well, maybe in the mix of Christmas decorations, I lost it for awhile, even before I opened it.) Today, I found it, and I opened it. I was delighted to discover a companion Bible Study! It's lovely! I hope to use this right away with my 14-year-old who could use some encouragement and a hero(ine) or two to inspire her as she becomes increasingly aware that she, too, is a square peg in a round hole world.

Repent and Restore

it's so funny to look at my blog and see that it looks like I write very infrequently. In reality, I've been writing like crazy! I finished up my work for the Blessed is She Lent journal just as the old year was ticking down. As always, the talented Erica Tighe at Blessed is She created something beautiful for you to hold in your hands. I cannot encourage you more to click on over and claim one of these for yourself today. They always sell out quickly and right now, you can get a presale deal. 

When I agreed to write the Lent journal, I knew that I would not be offering Restore this year. I wanted to be able to truly experience the Lent journal when all of you do, to take it in day-by-day and let the Scripture change me. Then I wrote the journal. I wrote and wrote and wrote, during Advent, what is inarguably the trickiest time of year for the is mom of a large and quickly changing family. 

As I wrote and as I researched, the Scripture changed me. I've seen shifts in relationships that I could not have imagined two months ago. The really interesting thing is that I'm the only one whose read it. The message in His Word is life-changing. I promise. 

As I pondered and prayed over this journal, I knew I wanted to share it more deeply with the women who have gathered in the Restore space for previous Lents. I learn my limits every day and I know that a full Restore workshop isn't what God is calling me to do this year, but...

What if I just opened the space? What if we we plumped the cushions and let a fresh breeze blow through the curtains, and what if we gathered there to do the Lent journal together? All the Restore materials will be there in a library. You can access the essays and the tutorials and the podcasts any time you need a little more Restore-- a full, rich Lenten experience in and of itself. But every day, as a community, we'll gather to talk about that day's Lent journal. Of course, our conversation will likely lead us back to the principles of Restore. We'll re-establish the warm friendship of women we grow to love every Lent. We'll even welcome some newcomers in and let them browse our beloved shelves full of memories from past visits. They can read and listen to what has made our Lent so restorative in the last few years. The additional Scripture in the journal that is just listed by chapter and verse? You'll find it all spelled out every morning in the Restore space. And, if after your own private time in the Word you feel like you just want to talk to someone (or shout or cry or even laugh), you'll find us gathered there and waiting. We'll hang out on Facebook Live once a week the way we did during Advent. And my guess is that we'll have a few surprise goodies for you, too;-).

Because it's not a full Restore workshop like years past, you'll find this Lenten community is very affordable. (Remember the cost of Restore has previously been more than $65. This year, all of those treasures and new conversation are yours for $35.) If you've done Restore before, be sure to visit the Facebook group for more details and a gift code for you before you purchase your membership. If you haven't done Restore before, you're in luck. You will get access to all those materials and to the ongoing conversation this Lent. All are welcome!

Click here to join us. 

You do need the Blessed is She Lenten prayer journal and it must be purchased separately. The bound version has sold out, but the digital version is an ebook this time and you can still get that!

If the cost of Repent and Restore is a concern, please don't hesitate to shoot me a note on Facebook and see what we can work out:-)

Grace and Forbearance

Still thinking about words for the new year. Here are some good ones.

I have nine children, and I have been a parent for more than 28 years, but I’m learning all kinds of new lessons in parenting and people skills. As everyone gets older, extended periods of time when we’re all gathered (15 in all, including my husband, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren) are intense life learning sessions.

I noted recently that this term’s theme is forbearance. 

Read the rest here, please.

Some Words for the New Year

Outside my window: It is gray and dreary. The windows here at Whole Foods are huge and I have a full view of the bustle of the parking lots. People come and go, heads down against the rain. The scene seems a little incongruous to me today. I have had my head down for weeks, plodding purposefully, working too hard. Today, I feel lighter than I have in a couple months, but the rest of the world is all head down and gray.

Listening to: The noise of the place. I'm in a loft above the bar. There are several TVs tuned to college basketball. At the table next to me, people are engrossed in a Bible study, while the table next to them is some sort of AA accountability meeting (these are the things you can deduce from the books on tables and snippets of conversation as you fill your cup with cream). The place is at once busy and cozy. I'm hunkered down to write on these pages at long last. 

Clothing myself in: Leggings, a long sweatshirt, a pale blue NorthFace fleece (Katie's, I think) and makeup. That makeup is significant only because I've rarely worn makeup in the past few years (decades?), but a trip to Ulta with my girls just after Christmas yielded the discovery of Tarte and suddenly makeup doesn't itch any more. My face is tired and I see age. A little makeup is not a bad thing.

Talking with my children about these books: We are revisiting our Civil Rights studies from last year, with some new additions. I thought I linked to those books last year, but I can't find the post when I search. So, perhaps I'll share a little of those studies with you later in the week. 

In my own reading: I recently read an advance copy of Sally Clarkson's Different: The Story of an Outside-the_box Kid and the Mom who Loved Him. It's the story of her son Nathan's struggles, told in two voices: Sally's and Nathan's. I'll share that one at length next week, but let me encourage you now to get a copy for yourself if you have a child who is outside-the-box. If you haven't been blessed with such a child, buy one for a friend who is. It might be the kindest things you've ever done for her Mama heart. 

I'm currently reading Rebekah Lyons' soon-to-be-released You are Free: Be Who You Already Are. I'm only about three chapters in, but I can tell that this is one I will give to friends, if only for the selfish reason of having someone to discuss it with me. 

I'm on the launch teams for both these books, so I'll be bringing more info to you as they get closer to publication. 

I'm also listening to Commonwealth. I recently joined Anne Bogel's Book Club. I'm already behind, but I'm optimistic that I can catch up. It'll be fun trying, regardless.

Thinking and thinking: Oh my goodness! I've pondered on this whole "Word of the Year" thing for far too many hours this month. It's as if I'm so fixated on words that I think naming something can bring clarity. I've abandoned quite a few "almost, but not quite" words in my quest to find the one that is just right. 

Words I considered:

Compassion

Beloved

Dwell

Belong

That last one was Aimee's suggestion. It feels like as long as I've been choosing words, Aimee and I have had these New Year's conversations. She suggested Belong and the word itself made me cry, but ultimately, I decided that wasn't it either. Nope. This probably isn't the year of belonging, so much.

I chose Harmony. I was committed to choosing a word from Colossians 3:12-17. I've been spending a lot of time every day with these verses in the last couple months. They are integral to a Lent journal I worked on with Blessed is She, so they've been running around in my brain for several weeks, and they've been very much a part of a running conversation with God. No doubt Harmony deserves its own post. So, I'll put that on my ever-growing list of things I want to share with you. 

Pondering:

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teach and admonish one another in all wisdom, and sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Carefully Cultivating Rhythm: I am happy to report that our winter term is under way and we are hitting our rhythm everyday.

For the last two days;-).

Still, it's a start and I'm really, really encouraged by it. 

Creating By Hand: During Advent, I was so busy with my contribution to the Blessed is She Lent journal that I didn't really get to my usual Christmas crafting. I was still creating, but with my words. Sometimes, that kind of art isn't readily recognized as art, but for people who use words as their medium, it is certainly creative work. I just got the news a few minutes ago that some of those words, tucked inside this beautiful book, are ready for you. I prayed every day and I will keep praying that they bless you. 

Learning lessons in: Words. Even when we love words and even when we're careful about words, it's possible to completely misunderstand another person. And then, words can either bridge the misunderstanding or not. In a broken world, there are broken people who can't understand one another.  Our hope in those moments is grace. Lessons in grace are often both broken and beautiful.

Encouraging learning in: Writing. It's been such a joy to see my children grow to be writers. Even the ones who struggle with spelling and grammar have such a good sense of story, and such a winsome way of telling what they understand. Patrick recently graduated from UVa with his Master's degree, and it has just hit me that our frequent late night sessions, redlining on Google docs, have come to an end. I'm going to miss them. It was a privilege to continue the editor/writer relationship through his college and grad school days. It was a pleasure to share what he was learning well beyond the time when I was his teacher. The ideal bond between editors and writers is one of trust--we trust each other to help one another grow in understanding. When that trust bond grows out of the homeschooling experience, it's pretty special. Sometimes--very rare times, indeed--I even get texts before dawn with terrible news and then the request, "Will just look at what I wrote, Mom?" And I know I wouldn't touch a word, because I know how to recognize when a heart has written; I recognize his sacred words. Those are the golden days. There are lots of other days of gentle persuasion and careful grammar lessons (and even some begging and pleading to please just put something on the paper--anything). I am incredibly grateful to have access to this window into my children's minds.

Keeping house: My house is clean. After our California peeps left last week (was it just last week?), Stephen and Nick and I blitzed through our house. We cleaned all the things that should have been cleaned before Advent. Then we cleaned all the things that needed cleaning after Christmas. We've all agreed we like this level of clean. On to the maintenance phase...

Crafting in the kitchen: I'm uninspired. I'm not so much uninspired about cooking. I'm uninspired about menu planning and grocery shopping. This strikes me as ironic since I've chosen to spend two free hours on a Saturday here in a grocery store writing, but there you go. It's just thinking of what to cook...

To be fit and happy: This one is inked in my Power Sheets as solid goals for the year. I always fall off the exercise wagon when it gets cold and dark in the morning. Also, while I was writing for the Blessed is She Lent journal, all during December, I got into a rhythm of getting up around 4 and staying there, Bible open for two or three hours. It's not reasonable to do that all the time, and it really killed my exercise routine, but I do kind of love that early morning quiet time. The new plan is to get up and get in 15-20 minutes of yoga and then settle into the chair with my Bible. Then, when it's warmer at lunch time, walk and listen to books for about an hour. That's the plan. I've not been sleeping well lately, so I haven't really implemented the plan yet, but... 

Giving thanks: For a husband who listens to all my crazy and makes sense of it for me. He hears my words, but knows my heart. And for a  daughter-in-law who does the same. 

Loving the moments: When they're so inspired by a story that their own creative writing based on the story gives me chills. 

Living the Liturgy: Did anybody else feel rushed through the liturgical year last week? 

Planning for the week ahead: I don't plan to offer Restore again this year, but I do hear you wanting to revisit those themes and bring to life again that community. I think I have a plan for doing that this Lent, and I promise to get after it quickly. One thing I can tell you is that you'll want this journal to join us in our conversation, and they do sell out quickly. So, pre-order yours as soon as you can.

Eager to Turn the Page to a New Year?

Last year, around this time, I was eagerly anticipating the turn of the calendar page from 2015 to 2016. It had been an extremely difficult year, a year when I was beginning to feel like God was raining the twenty-first century plagues of Egypt on us until we finally relented and we were crying out for mercy.

I thought that turning of the page to a new year would somehow be magical. It would make all things new. I had hope in the power of the calendar. Last Christmas, I settled into a romantic meditation on the Blessed Mother and the tiny baby and all the hope the Christmas story offered. In that moment, I was a Christmas Person, clinging tight to the thrill of hope.

Or maybe it was actually just the faintest glimmer of optimism left at the end of a very bad year.

The new year came. I was sick, sicker than I’d been in two decades. For three months, I could not draw a breath without whooping, could not speak above a whisper. I was so sick.

My son and his wife and their darling baby girl moved across the country. Every appliance that hadn’t broken in the previous year, broke in the beginning of the new year. My mother-in-law died. My friend Mike died. My father’s health deteriorated. One of my children faced heretofore unimaginable challenges.

It was not the year I’d hoped it would be.

What of the tiny baby and the Blessed Mother?

Jesus’ parents were amazed at what was being said about him. Then Simeon blessed them, and he said to Mary, the baby’s mother, “This child is destined to cause many in Israel to fall, but he will be a joy to many others. He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him. As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very heart and soul.” Luke 2:33-35

Oh. With this blessed motherhood, with this acceptance of the vocation of Christian womanhood, comes a sword to pierce my very heart and soul. I’d always skipped that part. Now I was living it. I’d bought into the joy idea and thought it could come without the pain. I was a Christmas person through and through, but an Easter person, especially the Easter person who suffers and dies just before the resurrection? Not so much. The idea of an extended period of suffering in fallen world was sort of novel, even though it should have come as no surprise.

As this year closes out, a day rarely passes when someone doesn’t comment on how terrible 2016 has been. If nothing else, for all its awfulness, we seem to have the comfort that comes with suffering together. I silently shake my head as people share how eager they are to turn the calendar page. It doesn’t work that way, my friends. Optimism is very nice.

But hope is of God.

Hope says life is going to get hard, sometimes very, very hard, but that’s not the end of the story. Our hearts will be burdened with heaviness we cannot even fathom, but He comes. He comes humbly into the stench of it all so that we don’t have to walk the hard journeys alone. He knows. He knows the pain of sword that pierces us. And He feels it, too. He is the compassionate Savior who speaks peace into our troubled nights. We can turn the calendar page not with optimism, but with genuine hope in the God who saves. This year, next year, this burden or the next one: we are not alone.

Emmanuel.

God with us.