A Daybook As Lent Begins

Outside my window:  It’s a muddy mess. Usually, February in Connecticut is a beautiful world of black and white. The snow falls in December and it stays, a fresh blanket every week or so ensuring that any melting and mud is covered again in pristine white. Not this year. It hasn’t snowed and stayed at all, really. But it has rained, and when it’s not raining, it’s cloudy and gray, so the ground stays wet. Add a few dogs, and you have a muddy mess out there.

Listening to: Quiet. It’s before dawn as I write. An occasional car or truck rumbles by outside on Main Street, but mostly, I just hear the hum of the radiator.

Clothing myself in: Flannel pjs, a sweatshirt, warm socks, and a Chappy Wrap, currently. Three winters in, and we still haven’t figured out the trick to keeping this house warm.

Talking with my children about these books: Atomic Habits. We’ve slid into some sloppy time “un-management” around here. I love this book for its clarity and its simplicity. Life is really the sum of all the small things you do every day. Those things should be intentional. Lent is a good time to reset, to remember that life here is short and eternity is long, and to live accordingly. Make it matter. Atomic Habits is a secular book, but the conversations around it here in my home are infused with faith.

In my own reading: From Strength to Strength. I listened to the author, Arthur C. Brooks on the Rich Roll podcast, and then I took a deeper dive into the book. His premise is that we all have two seasons of strength. Here’s what the publisher writes:

Many of us assume that the more successful we are, the less susceptible we become to the sense of professional and social irrelevance that often accompanies aging. But the truth is, the greater our achievements and our attachment to them, the more we notice our decline, and the more painful it is when it occurs. 

What can we do, starting now, to make our older years a time of happiness, purpose, and yes, success? 

At the height of his career at the age of 50, Arthur Brooks embarked on a seven-year journey to discover how to transform his future from one of disappointment over waning abilities into an opportunity for progress. From Strength to Strength is the result, a practical roadmap for the rest of your life. 

Drawing on social science, philosophy, biography, theology, and eastern wisdom, as well as dozens of interviews with everyday men and women, Brooks shows us that true life success is well within our reach. By refocusing on certain priorities and habits that anyone can learn, such as deep wisdom, detachment from empty rewards, connection and service to others, and spiritual progress, we can set ourselves up for increased happiness. 

Note to moms who have spent the last two decades or more raising big families: your “achievements” may not be “professional,” but it is very likely that your attachments to them and the way your identity is tied to them is profound. “Decline” is a little different for you, but the shift is even more pronounced, I think. He's pretty blunt in the beginning about that “decline,” and I admit I bristled a bit, but the refocus is definitely worth pondering and acting upon. The author has a personal friendship with the Dalai Lama so he’s very open to eastern thought, but he is a professed devout Catholic. His ability to extract truth and apply it to a western, Christian mindset is quite profound. Lots to think on here.

Thinking and thinking: About how it’s all turning out. The last three years have been so unexpected, so not a part of any of my 10-year plans, that I have had a bit of emotional whiplash. I feel things deeply and intensely and processing it all has been exhausting. With my father’s death came an abrupt disruption of my relationship with my stepmother that I never saw coming. (Given my lifelong attachment to fairy tales and Jane Austen, perhaps I should have seen it coming…) With our move to Connecticut, every rhythm of every meaningful relationship has changed. It’s a lot. I’m just now acknowledging how much it has been to process, and I’m coaching myself to be kind and merciful—to myself.

Pondering: “Our thoughts determine our whole life. If our thoughts are destructive, we will have no peace. If they are quiet, meek, and simple, our life will be the same, and we will have peace within us. It will radiate from us and influence all beings around us.” From Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives.

Carefully Cultivating Rhythm: Rhythm has been rocked lately. I’ve been on more airplanes in the past three months than in the first twenty-five years of adulthood. It’s hard to have rhythm in a household with three teen girls when you’re leaving them all the time. This is one of the challenges of my current season. I want to be here, to do meaningful and important things with the girls, and to pour everything I have into these last few years of mothering in my own home. I also want to travel to see the boys who have moved away, to spend time with my husband, and to tend to my aging mother. I’m pulled in several directions (literally). It feels a lot like it did when I had a baby and a full-time job. I had a crushing, overwhelming sense that it was going to be impossible to do both well. And back then, I don’t think I recognized that marriage, too, needs careful, constant, intentional tending.

We have to find a rhythm here. I am intensely uncomfortable when I can’t find the beat.

Creating By Hand:  Food! I’m taking a course this year to be certified as a Whole Foods Plant Based chef. I have zero aspirations to work in a restaurant or to cater big events (unless you count family dinners when they all come home). But this very complete course is something I’ve wanted to do with the girls for a long time. It’s thorough and fascinating and holds such vital life skills. We’re shopping and cooking together, and it’s good.

Learning lessons in: Holding grief and joy together. Our trips away in the past month have been stark illustrations of something I’ve been grappling with for the past couple years. I think I always conceptualized life as a novel. There would be a slow I introduction to a struggle or problem, then the messy middle where the good guy (or girl) wrestles it all out, then the resolution, and everlasting peace and happiness. That’s simplistic, to be sure, but the truth is, I’m sort of surprised by how much grief is interspersed with the good things, and by the fact that just when you think you might have resolved a certain struggle or worked through a sorrow, another appears or the same one reveals that it will persist forever. The real lesson there, of course, is that grief and joy can and do co-exist. One actual tragedy after another have conditioned me to look over my shoulder during the good times and watch out for the next crushing blow. I’m trying to change that mindset and to ask myself, “What if it's Wonderful?” I’ve linked the book by that title. It’s been very helpful with this shift in perspective.

Keeping house: I pulled awful, dingy wallpaper down in our master bathroom and gave some banged up cabinets a fresh coat of paint. It’s not the renovation Mike and I talked about. But it didn’t cost the $100,000 the contractor quoted either. And boy, did it ever make me a believer in the power of a can of paint!

 To be fit and happy: I’ve been nursing a couple injuries lately. In late October, I literally fell flat on my face. I have the dent and the scar in my forehead to remember it by always. It feels like that probably needs a post of its own. And then, I’ve been trying to rehab a persistent hip injury. So, things have been a bit slower than usual on the workout front. I’m easing back into these from Revelation Wellness, though.

Giving thanks: For some time with Patrick and Lexi last weekend. We flew to Chicago, picked up Patrick and his wife there, and drove with them to Michigan for a funeral. Then, we drove back to Chicago and flew home. I think we were gone about 36 hours. But those hours with my people truly filled me up. I dearly loved Uncle Mac, who was 95 when he died, and I will miss him (grief). I could not have asked for a better unexpected trip than one that included seeing Paddy’s and Lexi’s first home together and spending eight hours in the car, just the four of us (joy).

Living the Liturgy: We have some really good plans in place for Take Up & Read this Lent. You can see a little preview here.

I like to start the week with a fridge clean out. it inspires the week’s meals.

Planning for the week ahead: I’m cleaning out the refrigerator this morning, just as soon as I close the laptop. I’ll be prepping for our traditional Waffles and Andouille Sausage dinner for Fat Tuesday, and then for the meatless meals this week brings. (Take Up and Read members: Look for recipes in your inbox or on the member site.) I’m thinking about maybe reaching out to some local friends and doing a little series of cooking lessons this Lent…

Then again, I should probably just focus on what is already “on my plate.” We shall see.

Today is the last day of the Beautycounter gift-with-purchase promotion. As I explained in this post, Beautycounter has made the plans for the future of Take Up & Read possible. As a thank you, I want to add my own gift to the gift with purchase. If you spend $125 using my link between now and Ash Wednesday, you will receive a month of free membership at Take Up & Read. We’d love to have you join us for Lent.

First Daybook in a Decade?

Outside My Window

There is a Mary garden outside the window over my sink that is truly in its glory now. I love watching it change throughout the summer. Phlox is showing particularly strong this morning. Some bare spots remind me that I was going to add lavender this year. I wonder if it’s too late.

I am Listening to

The washing machine do its thing. I’ve gotten into a good habit of washing early and hanging as much as I can to dry outside. Our “laundry room” is not air conditioned and it’s also our hall bathroom upstairs. It gets outrageously hot in there when we run the dryer. Because our house is so old, none of the appliances that were here when we got here are energy efficient. I used to think “energy efficient” was a marketing ploy. Now I understand otherwise.

I am Wearing

A T-shirt from Revelation Wellness and denim shorts. My hair is in braids pulled back with a headband. These are hot days that call for much hair taming… Somehow, braids have become my default. when I catch my reflection, I either think to myself Laura Ingalls Wilder or Hippie Grandmother depending on how far I am from the mirror.

I am so Grateful for

all the care and effort and hard work my husband has put into our backyard this summer. Goodness! It’s a labor of love!

I'm Pondering

The second problem I see is overscheduling. Most mothers I see allow their kids' schedules to get completely out of control. Evenings and weekends are spent racing from one music or athletic event to another. I know because I made the same mistake when my kids were young. If this is a struggle for you, simplify life for everyone by adopting the "One Rule." Tell each child he may choose one after-school activity per grading period. This sounds outrageous to some parents who want their kids to excel in many different areas and who most certainly don't want to deprive opportunities. But remember one thing: Whenever your child is on the soccer field, he's deprived of time with you and the family. And which does he really need more time with in order to grow up emotionally and mentally sound?

Cutting activities from a child's schedule seems heretical for a modern-day parent. Let's face it, we are competitive with the parents in our child's class and it's hard to be home watching the other kids' parents pulling out of the driveway on their way to ski practice while you and your kids are sitting down at the kitchen table to tuna noodle casserole. But whenever you neighbor takes off with a car full of kids at dinnertime, remember that you and your kids are the real winners. You aren't doing nothing with them; you are building stronger relationships with them. And kids need better relationships more than they need more practice at any sport or extracurricular activity. They will never regret time at home

 10 Habits of Happy Mothers

Really taking this to heart as I look at the season ahead. We generally adhere to the One Rule, but it's nice to see it in print. The first year we were here was The Year the World Shut Down. We were always home, and it was good in many ways as we adapted to the huge change in our lives. Then, we found people! And those people are good and life-giving. I’m beyond grateful for them.

But I’m cautious. I can see the tug back towards over-busyness. I can see how now that we don’t have a One Thing to which we are committed the way we were previously committed to soccer and dance (a Very Big Way), there is the real possibility of being sucked away by half a dozen little things of good intent. I’m guarding against that.

I am Reading

I just finished listening through the entire Mitford series over again on Audible. The link is to the first in the series. What wonderful characters and lovely stories! I miss those folks already. Mitford is comfort reading for me. It’s entertaining and it doesn’t stress me out with plots that cause anxiety. I am at ease when I read because there’s enough predictability that I’m allowed to relax. I love how faith is woven throughout every ordinary day. … Also, John McDonough, who narrates most of them, is absolutely magnificent!

I am Creating

a pillow for a ring bearer. I have my doubts about said ring bearer actually carrying it down the aisle when Paddy gets married at the end of August, but it will coordinate nicely with the flower girl dresses, and someone will no doubt get the rings where they need to go;-)

Coming through my AirPods:

After my Mitford blitz, I started bingeing on sourdough baking podcasts. It’s not as abrupt a shift as it might seem. Mitford is a small town and people there grow gardens and cook from scratch and share with their neighbors. I’m inspired by living, breathing, growing hospitality as a way of life. Given my choice, I’d live on a few acres and have chickens and a milk cow and share from a giant vegetable garden. In reality, I mostly just share flowers. But sourdough is a living breathing thing and it will produce food we can both eat and share. So I’m starting there.

Towards a Real Education

We have begun to plan. News forthcoming. 

To Live the Liturgy...

The simplest way I know to live the liturgy is to go to daily Mass. It’s that simple, but I know it’s not always easy. Sometimes simple things are actually quite difficult to pull off. These days I am grateful for the great gift of walking to daily Mass. It has transformed my life.

I’m praying

For Patrick and Lexi in this final month before their wedding. They get married on the Feast of St. Monica. Mike and I have been asking especially for her intercession. We’re joyfully looking forward to a happy celebration in Charlottesville.

Also: For a boy I’ve loved his whole life. Please pray for comfort and consolation and the compassion of those close to him.

 In the Garden

We saw our first dahlia bloom two days ago. I’m a little reserved this year. Nothing seems to be blooming as prolifically as last year. Last year was super wet—too wet, I think. We had so many mosquitoes! This year is very dry and quite hot for New England. I don’t think the flowers are as happy as last year’s flowers were.

Around the House

Last winter and spring, we renovated our kitchen. Well, I had big ideas and made some substrate and paint choices. Other people actually renovated. It was a huge job. The walls and floors were peeled back to the studs. All the knob and tube wiring (original electricity from when electricity in homes first became available) was replaced. Floors were leveled. Ceilings were squared. The space was opened up. We added working outlets all around and a range that actually cooks! It’s amazing and I’m so incredibly happy with it.

It’s not air conditioned, however, so I am having to exercise some restraint when it comes to the oven. With 18th-century low ceilings and without any climate control in the room, that oven can make kitchen work pretty unbearable. So I’m adapting recipes and curtailing my enthusiasm for baking all the things!

From the Kitchen 

Speaking of the kitchen, we’ve taken a deep dive into the world of sourdough. Katie has spearheaded our experience and our education. She’s had some moderate successes with bread. She knocked it out of the park with homemade sourdough pasta topped with a light crab sauce. It was outrageously good and has earned itself a place on the Christmas Eve menu already. Bonus: no oven needed.

I’ve also been really loving creating tiny skillet breakfasts. We have a small oven next to our large oven on the range. It only takes a few moments to bake a couple eggs on a skillet, and they’re so darn cute they make me happy. I got the skillets here.

One of My Favorite Things

First light. I love the very early morning in my backyard with my puppy. It’s just such a good way to begin the day. .

A Few Plans for the Week

We are looking forward to a neighborhood gathering that has been two years in the making. Mike and I absolutely love our next door neighbors. They’ve been hoping to host an informal gathering at their house for old neighbors to get to know new neighbors. Covid circumvented neighborliness for a long time. We got to those folks right next to us really well. This weekend, they are going to introduce us to the rest of the neighborhood.

Then, next week, I”m hoping for several days of getting back on track after a bumpy July that was disrupted by illnesses and anaphylaxis. At the end of the week, I think maybe the bride and groom will be here for a brief weekend. Everything has to fall in to place, though, so we shall see.

Beautycounter right now

 As I revive my blog and make this newsletter a regular occurrence, I have had some decisions to make. Instagram keeps changing its algorithm. Every time it twists in the wind, I am reminded of how I don’t want to be held captive to its capriciousness. I also don’t want a blog that is full of pop-ups and blinking ads and recipes that require you to read my life story before you know how much meat to defrost.

So, the plan is for my Beautycounter business to be the sole sponsor here. I ask you to consider that writing is a livelihood and it’s a ministry. It takes some money to create content. I can do this here if you treat yourself to some pretty great lip balm and a new way to take care of your face. Please be patient with these thoughtful “ads” for a self-care line that truly brings beauty to life. If you’re new to Beautycounter, please use the code CLEANFORALL30 on your first order for 30% off. And check out these minis as a great way to try some good products without buying a full-size item. I’m so grateful for your support as I write and create and encourage.

Retrospective Pondering

I wrote this Daybook on Saturday, offline, leaving just a few things to fill in once I had Internet. I pretty much didn't have Internet until now, back at home. So, bear with my cobbled together chronology of comments, please:-). Also, Katie used my big camera and took pictures all week, but they're very stuck somewhere between camera and here, so, you get iPhone shots...

Outside my window:  Crepe myrtle and hydrangeas in yards and around big porches, all on the way to the seashore. It’s mighty beautiful outside my window this week.

Listening to: Silence. Absolute silence, except for the occasional street noises and the whir of the ceiling fan. It is Saturday as I begin journaling here and we are in Bethany Beach. My girls have gone to the convention center in Ocean City with my friend Nicole, to watch her daughter dance. Since none of mine are dancing today, I opted to stay behind: to walk, to read, to write, to rest, and to have dinner ready when they get home. The quality and white space in my planner are both so strange to me right now....

Clothing myself in: Capris t-shirt, running shoes. I desperately need a shower. The heat index is around 100. I’ve already taken three walks for a total of 8 miles today. If I shower, I won’t walk again until we walk to church. If I don’t, I might squeeze one more in before everyone gets home…

Pondering:

He said, “There’s a sermon of John Donne’s I have often had cause to remember during my lifetime. He says, Other men’s crosses are not my crosses. We all have our own cross to carry and one is all most of us are able to bear. How much do you owe him, Vicky?

I replied slowly, “I don’t think of it in terms of owing, like paying a debt. The thing is—he needs me.

 “Grandfather looked away from me and out to sea, and when he spoke, it was as though he spoke to himself. “The obligations of normal human kindness – chesed, as the Hebrew has it – that we all owe. But there’s a kind of vanity in thinking you can nurse the world. There’s a kind of vanity in goodness.”

I could hardly believe my ears. “But aren’t we supposed to be good?”

“I’m not sure.” Grandfather’s voice was heavy. “I do know that we’re not good, and there’s a lot of truth to the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” 

--Madeleine L’Engle, Ring of Endless Light

Carefully Cultivating Rhythm: We sat yesterday evening--Nicole and I and our five girls, with planners and highlighted pages all spread out--and we worked together to understand where we needed to be this week for this competition and how we’d manage time, meals, housekeeping duties, and the myriad of costumes. I feel like we have really good rhythm. We’ve done these competitions together so many times now that the familiarity is our friend. Also, we are staying in the home of a mutual friend, and we are surrounded by gracious loveliness that makes this all so much better.

Creating By Hand:  This week, sewing will be limited to costume repair. Cooking is a little creative, but I’m not making anything that isn’t well-tested and already favorited. So, true creativity, if it happens, will happen with words, I think.

I might be finding my words again. I’d like that. I’ve missed them. 

[Real time edit: I do have words. Turns out, though, that I didn't even have time, place, or utilities to upload these words, so all the others are still stuck in my head. Next week. Maybe...]

Three books going

On my kindle: Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way. Since I feel like I could write a book on this topic and I’m exhausted by the mere idea of it, I’m really glad that Shauna Niequist did. I love her work and I’m looking forward to her new book. This is the only one I have not read, so I snatched it up when I saw the good Kindle deal.  

In my earbuds: I actually have two going in my earbuds right now. Emily suggested A Ring of Endless Light and it was the perfect length for our trip to and from the beach. Despite the fact that I knew it was the story of a family awaiting their grandfather’s death, I took a chance. Turns out, that wasn’t really a good idea. The subject matter of the book is handled in a way that is too mature for my girls to listen to collectively. I persevered through over an hour until a young man confided that he’d attempted suicide.  Then I clicked out before we went any further. Definitely not a good idea for the gathered audience right now.

However, it’s a really, really powerful book. I returned to it privately the next morning for the first of my morning walks. I’m immersed in a big way and it’s hard not to binge. I haven’t finished yet, but I think it might rank above A Grief Observed in ranking of books to read when grieving. Perhaps more accessible, certainly very useful with teenagers…

[Real time edit: I listened to the whole book while walking at the beach (and in the convention center, actually mostly in the convention center) and this book vaulted to my top five forever favorite books. I ordered the paperback version on Sunday and had it shipped to the beach house for Mary Beth, who dislike audiobooks.]

When I finish, I still have The House at Riverton going. Love that. [Finished that one, too, and started listening to Simply Tuesday again because it was already in my phone and I was walking. I like it even better the second time around.]

In my hands: I’m re-reading Colleen’s new book (reviewed in detail, here) I read it the first time using a digital advanced copy. It’s nice to hold it in my hands and meander through and mark it up. This one will be a classic in our household, which means I will require the reading of it…

Learning lessons in: Ah. I’m not quite sure really. But I think the Madeleine L’Engle quote above is the short form of the lesson I most need to learn. Last year, I think I picked up some crosses that aren’t mine to carry. I’ve grown so accustomed to the weight of them on my shoulders, and I’ve so adjusted my gait to compensate for their heaviness, that I’m finding it tricky to put them down. But I really need to learn how to do it.

Encouraging learning in: reading. Just reading. My girls are reading so much this summer. I feel sorry for Karoline, whose cast is making it hard for her to go or do anything with her sisters and friends, but I also see the silver lining. This will be the summer she learned how to find a friend in a book. That will serve her well forever.

She left her non-digital books at home this week and I didn't want her to take a Kindle to the convention center. Since she can't dance, she's got loads of down time alone. So, I walked to a bookstore on the beach and spent a pretty enchanted hour finding books for her. Kristin's mom is an elementary school teacher and she recommended a couple authors last week. I found them there in that sweet bookstore and brought them back for Kari. So she's got Walk Two Moons and Because of Winn-Dixie for the week. And that hour in that beautiful bookstore? I loved that hour so much!

Keeping house:  It’s always easier to keep house at the beach, isn’t it?

Crafting in the kitchen: I did some cooking ahead of time and did a whole lot of grocery shopping, so meals will come together easily. Last night, we had farm stand corn on the cob and tomato fresh from a nearby vine and potatoes crisped with olive oil. (Oh, and they had hamburgers, too, I guess, but I didn’t miss them;-)

To be fit and happy:  I’m walking and walking and walking and walking. Sometimes I run, but not often. The convention center is big and sprawling and I'm taking every opportunity to walk, both inside and out. [Real time edit: My fitbit tells me I've taken 128,768 steps in the last seven days. That's about 51 miles. Good week.]

Giving thanks: for Nicole. I know what a rare gift it is to have a friend who can live through the worst of weeks with you and then, the next year, agree without hesitation to enter into whatever might come, in the exact same place at the same time of year, even knowing that anniversary reaction is a very real thing and I’m just the one to have it…  

In the company of a friend, good memories are being made in a place where once the bad ones dominated my mind.

Living the Liturgy: Sarah Annie celebrates her name day this week. The church here at the beach is called St. Ann’s and they do make a fuss. Last year, we were here as the novena began. This year, we’ll be here when it ends. And there will be ice cream.

Planning for the week ahead:  Sometime next week, I think I'll see my husband again. Mike and I are in a stage of big family parenting that is very intense and very hands on. I'm betting that the preceding sentence will cause eyebrows to rise on foreheads of folks with five under ten. Yes, dear friends, you, too are also in an intense, hands-on period. Parenting teenagers is a different kind of hands-on and a different kind of intense. We've had to divide and conquer because they need us, but they are no longer gathered most of the time under our roof--all together. So, between his work travel and our kid travel, we keep missing each other. And our morning conversations look a little like this.

Gathering my thoughts and trying to hold it together

Outside my window:  The roses are taking a little breather. Daylilies have faded. Lavender is in bloom. And my brand new hydrangeas are hanging on—we’ve been diligent at watering.

Listening to: Waiting room noises. Mary Beth is getting a couple of cortisone shots under Xray guidance this afternoon.

Clothing myself in: Capris, a t-shirt, and these fabulous shoes for the third or fourth season.

Thinking and thinking: The upside of stress and how to get good at it. I watched the Ted talk  and now I’m reading the book. Very, very interesting. Maybe even lifechanging.

Pondering:

“Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing.... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.” 

--Ann Voskamp in One Thousand Gifts

Carefully Cultivating Rhythm: It’s summer! Wheee! I’m truly committed to making this a slow summer.  Eileen's Slow Summer Series has some fun inspiration in that regard. 

Creating By Hand:  Making plans to create a quilt for Paddy’s Range Room in the fall. Blue and Orange without being tacky…

Photo credit: Kristin Foss

Learning lessons in: Resilience. Almost from the moment they left, we have been preparing for Michael’s and Kristin’s visit home. It was to be the first time most of us met baby Lilly. My husband and I recognized that as our kids have gotten older, our house is being asked to be used differently. Christian came home to live after graduation while he works on a documentary project. Patrick comes and goes and almost always brings someone with him. And now, Michael brings his wife and babies from across the country to spend a week or two at a time.

To make space for this kind of living, we gutted our basement. Longtime readers will remember that the basement has long been a black hole dumping ground. Not any more. We invested time, treasure, and thought into making the basement a soft place to land and a welcome retreat for little ones and big ones alike.

I loved the project, loved thinking about this touch or that, this detail and that, all to make it work for them.

They arrived in the middle of the night, after flying from California. Even though it was after 1:00, we were up and ready to show them the surprise. I’ll admit, it felt a little like HGTV.

Then, less than 48 hours into the trip, the first child fell ill—wicked, wicked gastrointestinal virus. From that day until they pulled away 10 days later, at least two people would be sick at a time. Really sick.

We didn’t go to the Farmer’s Market

We didn’t go to the pool.

We didn’t go to see Finding Dory.

Dance recitals were missed.

We didn't sew a stitch.

We only played in the sprinkler once.

I held the baby exactly 3 times and two of those she was crying inconsolably.

We did 32 loads of laundry in 5 days.

We didn’t garden together.

We didn’t collaborate creatively on some Internet projects we’ve been dreaming.

My father couldn't come to celebrate Father's Day and meet the baby because we were worried he'd get sick.

We didn’t have a baptism.

My family has learned a lot about disappointment, loss, and grief in the last couple of years. This trip was the carrot we held out to them. “Sure, they’re moving away, but they’ll visit. And we’ll make those visits so special. Let’s make a paper chain to count down the days. Let’s make a list of all the things we’ll do. All the things that matter to you.”

Someone burned that list.

The takeaway? Life is hard. When my bigger kids were little, I did everything in my power to shield them from the hard. I wanted a happy, idyllic childhood for them. Mostly, we succeeded. When there were just a few and when they were young, we could retain enough control that—with a little luck—we mostly kept things happy.

But that’s not very realistic. In hindsight, it’s probably not the best training for real life, either. It’s not such a bad thing to learn when you’re little that all is not going to go your way and some things will be very, very disappointing. I’m trying to see the blessing of the teachable moment we’ve been presented with these later children.

I’m trying really hard to model resilience.

And then, I get in the car, away from where anyone can hear, and call a friend or two and wail a little. I’m so grateful for those two women who have cradled my sad heart and sifted all the chaff and still love me.

Because sometimes, I just get super tired of trying…

Encouraging learning in: The value of long, lazy, unplanned summer days, especially where reading very thick books is concerned. More on that tomorrow.

Keeping house:  Kristin pointed out to me that if we wanted to create a place where a tired young family could rest and retreat, we did well. As miserable as it was, it happened in a beautiful, comfortable place. That’s a blessing

Crafting in the kitchen: As a family, we’ve been working really hard at improved nutrition lately. I’ve made good use of Dr. Greger’s Daily Dozen app to remind me where I want to emphasize. Dr. Greger’s strategy is altogether vegan. I read his entire book, How Not to Die, in an effort to address some health concerns that have crept up here recently. It’s a super interesting, incredibly well-researched book.

I’m not holding anyone to strict veganism, but I am working towards it for myself. I’m making breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyone, including my husband, every day. I’m seeing meat as more of a condiment—an afterthought, really—in veggie-centric world.  Mike has the app, too, and he’s teaching me a thing or too about how to sneak those bean servings in and how it’s possible to be consistent, even while traveling. Packing lunches for him has taken on a life of its own as I play with different “bowl” combinations and do lots and lots of research on some favorite apps and in favorite cookbooks.

To be fit and happy:  Mary Beth says she’s going to run a half marathon at the end of September. So is my friend Nicole. Please let me remind you that I’m sitting in a waiting room while Mary Beth gets the same old foot injury treated again. I’m dubious about her half marathon plans. I thought about registering, too. I really do want to run that far, just to know I did it. But I also wrestle almost daily with the tension that comes with the unpredictability of having this many people under my care and trying to fit into an outside schedule. So, if I registered for that half marathon, I’d worry every time someone got sick and I missed my training day and through the schedule off. Further, I’d worry about what unpredictable thing would happen on race day. Also, I’m not really interested in racing. I want the challenge of the goal for personal reasons, not for the competition. And I want the Tshirt and the sticker for my car. It seems stupid for me to pay $100 and take on all the stress of the unknown just so I can run in a crowd (I dislike running in crowds) and get the shirt and sticker rights.  So, I’m telling you all right now: sometime this fall, I will be fit enough to run 13 miles. When I do that, I plan to buy myself a shirt and magnet for my car to celebrate;-).

Giving thanks: for a beautiful hour at the park with Sarah and Lucy and Kristin and Lilly.

Loving the moments: when everyone is feeling better at last and all the laundry has been washed, dried and put away.

Living the Liturgy: Yeah. It was a whole lot of “Lord, make haste to help me” recently.

Planning for the week ahead: We’re cleaning up around here. I have two boys taking driving tests this week. Nick has a lowkey tournament in Leesburg on Saturday that will likely take me past the Trinity House Café. And maybe I’ll hit the Leesburg Famer’s Market, too. Maybe. I’m kind of hesitant to make a single plan…

Gathering my Thoughts on the Eve of Lent.

Outside my window:  It's snowing--a soft, sweet, sort of wimpy snow.

Listening to: kitchen sounds as my children fix themselves lunch..

Clothing myself in: Yoga pants and a Mason soccer sweatshirt. I've worn a variation of this almost every day since the beginning of January. And I've gone almost nowhere since the beginning of January:-)

Talking with my children about these books:  Christian is taking an intensive class on the Civil War. He's reached out for some help, so Stephen and Nick are jumping in to provide community. We're all talking about Uncle Tom's Cabin this week.

And, of course, we're stocking the book baskets with these perennial favorites for the Lent and Easter season.

In my own reading: I've just cracked open The Awakening of Miss Prim. Looking very forward to it. One thing on the my list of things I will cherish this Lent (CHERISH is the word for 2016) is reading from books chosen for me. I spend a whole lot of time reading with my kids, even my adult kids. I know I need to not neglect the dimension that is fed by personal reading. I'll keep you posted.

The Importance of Being Little: What Preschoolers Really Need From Grownups arrived today. I was so excited about this book when I pre-ordered it last fall. I think I may wait a bit on reading it now, though. For the first time in my adult life, there are no preschoolers. It's been a long time since I taught preschoolers in a classroom.  Mine own sweet preschoolers are grown well beyond that age. And after having our favorite baby and then toddler come hang out without us several days a week for a couple of years, we are soon to settle into the new normal of watching her become a preschooler via Skype. I don't really have the heart to read this book just now.

Mary Beth has a whole school of preschoolers keeping her busy these days. Perhaps I will borrow them in time;-). 

Thinking and thinking: Oh, about things too tender to share. 

Pondering: “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
--Anna Quindlen

Carefully Cultivating Rhythm: This has been an odd winter rhythm. It is punctuated by the gurgle of the vaporizer and broken by unexpected spasmodic coughing. It's been six weeks since the first diagnosis and antibiotic. I don't really want to settle into a rhythm of being intentional about these days because I still go to bed every night thinking the next day will be "all better" day. I believe in the sanctity of suffering and the holy ground of plans gone awry. I'm praying I understand what God desires from me in the time I spend recovering. One thing that I think about as I sit mostly silently (still laryngitis), is what God hopes I hear in this bubble made quiet by my silence. I had so many clear, well-defined goals for this year. This year has barely started and those plans have been mostly blown away. For several weeks, this unrelenting re-writing has rocked me. Now, though, I'm beginning to understand that building it all again from scratch when I have no strength for such a task, leaves God able to do what He will. I cannot think it an accident that Lent begins tomorrow and with it, Restore.  Two years ago, I wrote Restore--it is where I was (and still am) sure I heard God most clearly. Now, it sits waiting for me, ready to walk me through restoration and healing. I'd love it if you join me.

Creating By Hand:  Katie and I are giddy with excitement over beginning to share Scripture time with one another using these. She has literally been counting the days. Today was to be the day, but it looks like it's been delayed a week or so. All in God's time, right? That's the theme.

Learning lessons In: Mama guilt. I think midlife for women is marked by "What did I do?" or "What could I have done differently?" When we are open to life, to bringing these new people into the circle of our lives without reservation and pouring ourselves into them with reckless abandon, we think they'll know--always know--how precious they are and how much we want for us to always be US, across time and space and generations. We learn that they make their own decisions and their own mistakes. They choose different priorities and different paths. Again and again, I hear women saying, "Wait? This doesn't work? This intentional, life-giving mothering to which I've dedicated all my childbearing years?" They're surprised that grown children reject family values or seem not the least inclined to buy into the vision or even the faith of their parents. And women feel terribly guilty. They are sure it's something they did wrong. Not so, at least not to the degree we beat ourselves with it. When they start the conversation--begin to talk with other women--women with grown children learn they're not alone. Not at all. And they begin to understand that it's not their fault. Children grow up to be adults who make their own choices. There is peace in letting go of Mama Guilt. Mama Sorrow?  That's another story. Sorrow comes with the afternoon of mothering. It is what happens when you raise a child and live long enough to see her go wherever she chooses and do whatever she believes. So, yay for living long!

Encouraging learning in: Civil War studies. Here are my notes. We'll adapt.

Keeping house: The Jesse Tree is still up. It's coming down today, a final admission that I will not be well enough to read aloud all the stories I wanted to share. I left it up because we never finished before Christmas, so I thought I'd grant myself some grace and just finish up in January. Okay then, but I didn't have a voice at all in January. It's time to hide the Alleluia. We shall concede that the Jesse Tree didn't happen this year. Hide the Alleluia. Pack away the Jesse Tree. Move on to the next season. It's a theme:-)

Crafting in the kitchen: For tonight,we are all about Fat Tuesday. Waffles and sausage and whipped cream, oh my!

To be fit and happy: Hah! A sweet friend encouraged me at the beginning of the year with a membership at Run the Year. I haven't tracked a mile since January 7. However, that gift is a treasure. I still have every intention to run the year. It will happen. Let's see how God lets it be so.

Giving thanks: For a good weekend with my youngest boys. Patrick, Nick, Stephen, and I watched the Super Bowl together at my dad's. Then, Stephen and Nick and I went to Lynchburg on Monday. While the boys did a campus visit, Ginny and I had a lunch visit with Ann. I cannot overstate how grateful I am for my time with my boys and my time with two women who hear my heart even when my words are soft and strained.

Loving the moments: I will forever treasure Nicholas' enthusiasm yesterday afternoon. He was so excited about what the next few years could hold for him and it was such a happy thing to see hope shine in his eyes.

Living the Liturgy: Lent, my friends. We shall hide the Alleluia and talk together about what we hear God calling for us this year. My children know that sometimes, you don't really get to choose your Lent. Life brings with it suffering beyond the sacrifice of chocolate. And they know (even the littlest one) that this season will undoubtedly have some of that for them. So we talk today, about how to suffer well and how Jesus walks with us in every season, tenderly binding wounds and restoring souls. 

I intend to share the season with you in the most raw, honest way this medium allows. Please take a moment or two to read what I am offering and maybe to watch the video we made? 

Planning for the week ahead: Mike comes home today. He's been gone ten days! He has a date tomorrow morning to have breakfast with Sarah and Mary Beth at the Montessori school. I have very little on my calendar. I'm looking forward to getting to know some new friends as Restore begins tomorrow and I'm looking forward to slowly getting back into the groove of caring for my home and family. Only as He wills...

All photos are the kindness of Katie Foss